Santa Claus Confirmed Dead

(AP) NORTH POLE – Officials confirmed this morning that Santa Claus, also known as jolly Saint Nick, was found dead early today in the home of little Timmy and Lizzy Morris of Boulder, Colorado.

At approximately 3:13 a.m. local time, Santa descended into the chimney of the Morris residence with the aid of a strand of Christmas lights attached to long-time reindeer cohort Vixen.  Initial reports indicate that Vixen was also killed in the grizzly fire, which left three reindeer in critical condition before the fire department was able to contain the scene.

A spokesperson for the North Pole confirmed the sad news this morning amidst a crowd of grieving elves.  “The world mourns today at the death of Santa.  Vouchers for children on the Nice List who Santa was unable to reach are being mailed out as quickly as possible.”

Although the official cause of the fire is still under investigation, preliminary speculation points to an overstuffed toy bag.  Lizzy Morris, who found Santa’s charred remains, commented on her wish list: “I really wanted everything from American Girl and the new Katy Perry CD, and a new guitar, a pair of Manolo Blahniks, a new balancing beam for gymnastics… I’ll post a complete list on my blog later in case anyone wants to contribute.  I really hope this incident doesn’t affect my standing on the Nice List,” the future sociopath added.

Frosty the Snowman, a long-time friend of Santa, could not immediately be reached for comment on whether or not he’d be back again some day.

Fixing Craigslist – October 2011

So it’s been brought to my attention by a few loyal—albeit not so subtle—fans that it’s been a while since the last time I posted a blog…

Don’t get me wrong, Arkansas is a very stimulating state.  And I mean that in the nicest possible way.  But there wasn’t anything I could write about there without ostracizing myself from the entire community of 5,000 closely related people.

I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz—a broken record of telling people, “all I want to do is go home.”

Now I’m back.  From outer space.  I just walked in to find you here with that sad- wait, I think I may be hijacking lyrics from a Gloria Gaynor song.  Jesus H, please help my muse guide me to original content.

I can see I’m losing your attention.  Let’s see if I can fix that…

You left your cell phone at my gangbang – m4w – 48 (Dallas)
Charlene, You were awesome, and the guys loved you. I have your cell phone. Respond through here or call me. You have my number.

It’s the old “accidentally” leave your cell phone at the gangbang ploy.  That’s so two-thousand-and-late.  Charlene, you’re coming on too strong.  But I think he, along with three or more other guys in a short period of time, might be in to you.  Work it out, girl!  And then get tested.  Slut.

Hello Kitty – w4w – 43 (Dallas)
I realize my chances of finding you here are slim but maybe, just maybe, you’re the kind of girl who frequents these pages for kicks.

My body stood frozen like the soft, cold yogurt you so eagerly piled into the two monstrous containers at Yogurtland on Sunday. It’s the sparkle I saw in your eyes as you scooped up Cap’n Crunch that rendered me speechless, though. I wanted so desperately say something, anything to you as you asked for three spoons before leaving.

I’ve never seen such a beautiful vision in my life. If only I could be that sweet cream you licked with such pleasure.

It could have been the rain that morning but I felt a trickle of moisture run down my cheek as I watched you walk away and climb into that big, butch Hummer.

If there is a heaven then you saw me, and noticed. I’m the dark girl with long legs and a big heart. If you give me a chance, I know I can make you as happy as Tart.

Let me know it’s you by telling me the flavors you got-

My sun won’t shine until you reply.

My. sun. won’t. shine. It really writes its own joke.  Ugh, now I’m craving Cap’n Crunch.

Wanted: One none cheating whore of a girlfriend – m4w (Denton)
You…you, may or may not exist but hey there’s hope. Cause not every women is willing to run behind your back with someone else despite living with you and having a multi-year relationship…right?

I think this ad is part fantasy, part projection.  And you’re looking for this monogamous relationship on a site where people routinely go for extramarital soul-searching with anonymous concubines?

Your my sister in law – m4w
We get along really well and I’ve always wanted to go alittle further with you. I don’t know howd you react if I came up to you so here I am, maybe by some chance you read this and I get an email back

I worked so hard to get away from Arkansas.  So hard.  And now you want to turn a perfectly dysfunctional family reunion into a Jerry Springer-style whodunit, complete with matching divorce decrees and paternity tests?

I know, I know.  You’re thinking, “That’s all we get?!”

This is what the half-life of an Adderall and a Venti Mocha Frappacino gets you.  Sorry you had to find out this way.

On the bright side, I have a new iPhone app that will help me skim through Craigslist much faster than the research invested into blogs past, so if I don’t drink myself to death with cooking wine, you can expect to see a reinstatement of my monthly rants.

Until then… don’t close your eyes, don’t hold your breath, and don’t make yourself a target on Craigslist.

Coming Up For Air

As most of you know by now, I am moving to Arkansas this weekend.  Dallas has been my home for most of my life, and there are few words to explain the connection those of us living in the gayborhood share.  There are few places I know of where you know that if you go next door to borrow a cup of sugar or handle of vodka, your neighbor will probably be watching Oprah or jamming out to Lady Gaga.

Since this move has been more spontaneous than a Britney Spears marriage—or some of my relationships for that matter—I have text messages, e-mails, and phone calls that I’ve been unable to answer.  I’m not avoiding anyone, I promise.

The truth is, I really haven’t found a way to say goodbye.  There are some reasons below to help explain things.  (Disclaimer:  You have been officially warned that I’m going to get sappy like the last episode of Rosanne for a minute—but there is a point, I promise).

Dustin Pot Pie:  Easily the most unique-minded person I have ever met.  We have shared more tears, vodka, and hangovers than anyone I know.  Even on my worst days, even when I had no money, or job, or spark of hope, you say something witty, abstract, pop-culture-anchored, inappropriate, and hysterical to cheer me up.  Your mouth will likely get us killed some day, and I can’t wait to hear what you say that makes it happen.

Jeffrey Butcher:  You are the most care-free, supportive, and honest person I know.  You are the life of the party, and also its heart. You have seen every shade of gray I have and stood by my side even with the chips were down.

Kally Decker:  A girl whose beauty, loud mouth, left hook, and taser cannot be denied or ignored.  Anytime I had a bad day, I only had to look at the damage you did to someone else’s car to know that it could be worse.

Chad Roscher:  A constant reminder that turning 30 doesn’t mean you have to grow up.

Amy:  Three words: Lady. Gaga. Suite.  Your southern charm—quashed one cocktail at a time—always made me smile.  Or made me slide real low in my chair and pretend like I don’t know you.

Charley:  You cater to the world revolving around me (and I can’t figure out why know one else has realized it does) and put up with my drama, my standoffishness (wow spell check is really going to let me use that word!) and my easily distracted personality.

Peter Z:  For a man whose first words to me were, “Wouldn’t we make beautiful children?” you have proven that the worst pickup lines can lay the foundation for great friendships.  You’ve been there to literally kick me in the ass when I needed it; and more importantly, to help me realize and strive to my potential.  I know it is a thousand shots too late to tell you, but I really do hate Jager.  I’ve enjoyed every shot with you nonetheless.

Harold Smith:  I’ll miss Happy Harold Fridays the most.  We shared so much and there was no success, failure, drama, or excitement that you were not right by my side for.  There are few people I have ever been so close to, and I will miss you every day.

I’m not saying these really nice, emotionally-drowned things to say goodbye.  On the contrary, I’m saying these things as reassurance to all of you that this is not goodbye.

I’ve said I’m moving from Dallas—and the word “moving” has a permanent feel to it—but really, that’s not the case.  As the title suggests, I’m simply coming up for air…  And I will be back.

Fixing Craigslist – April 2011

I’ll take this opportunity to announce to those of you who may not know: I’m now a manager at a dick-dancer bar.  And being that I work in the lower echelon of bars—we’re lower than titty—I have a more warped unique perspective than in blogs past.

Pay to Paddle You – m4m – 41 (North Dallas)
Looking to spank a cool in shape guy.  Limits respected, nothing crazy or extreme.  I can host.  GL professional, cleancut, ddf, discreet and expect the same.  If you have a great butt you go to the front of the line.  Email me stats and body pic and let me know when you are available to go over your big brother’s lap!

You want to pay someone for this?!  Bitch get your riding crop and go home.  Donate to Ty’s Bar Tab Relief Effort instead.

You cut me off – m4m – 32 (City Place)
I drive an 18 wheeler. Friday morning I was turning right to get onto the entrance ramp lane. I was about 90% into my turn, then suddenly there you were. Coming from the U turn lane. You just cut me off. I had to break and my breakfast went everywhere. Dude…you owe me either breakfast or a drink. You were white, dark hair, and drove a Toyota Cruiser. What color was it?

As it happens, it was a Toyota Yaris.  And it was blue.  There’s a better chance of me complying with the speed limit in a school zone than buying you breakfast or a drink.  Next time I lay into the horn as you’re taking five painfully slow minutes to maneuver your enormous ass out of the three lanes of traffic you’re blocking, you’ll know to move. out. of. my. way.

Looking for guy who answered Looking 4 Unattractive BB Tops – m4m – 35 (dallas)
looking for the big uncut daddy who came to me while i was blindfolded. Sorry didn’t get to finish. lets reschedule

FAIL! I can’t help but wonder how many times your mother dropped you on your head before you lost all standards and judgment.  This is even more sad and desperate than when I run out of vodka when the liquor store is closed.

Tapelenders – m4m – 35 (Dallas/Cedar Springs)
You really helped me in my small amount of fickleness, to decide which product to purchase. We actually talked a lot. Where am I from? Would be nice to make a friend or two more here in Dallas. Maybe coffee/dinner before I leave, as friends of course!

I never get tired of reading about Chance on Craigslist.  I’m sure he’d love to hear someone is looking for him… I’ll pass it along to him!

Hitler and Bondage – m4m – 40 (Arlington)
You mentioned that Hitler and his neice were really into S&M. I hope that you read this, although I think it is a long shot! Regardless, it is worth a go!

I am judging this worse than Judge Judy ruling on an urban civil dispute.  Although I guess there is a warped sense of talent in successfully referencing Hitler in a pickup line.

Well, I gotta get back to work!  There’s dancers to chase back to the poles… cocktails to be poured… and dreams to be made and shattered one lap dance at a time.

Fixing Craigslist – March 2011

Warning: The first link is NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

26 yo masc good looking hisp guy trimming n shaving – 26 (North Dallas/Plano/Allen/Mckinney)
26yo good looking hisp guy taking care of ur body hair from neck to toe if u need a trim or shave or both I can take care of it I travel to u email for details am very serious and so is my job Nobody gets turned down

Is it just me, or are there some things that people need to do on their own?  “I’d like to stroke a straight-edge razor all over your body,” doesn’t really inspire much confidence.

I’m looking for a country girl – m4w – 37 (Lewisville)
I’m Dustin Hoffman (no relation to the actor). I’m about to leave my wife of several years and I’m looking to replace her with someone who can put up with my lying cheating ass. I’m about 6 feet tall, white, blue eyes, and work at a Chase bank in Lewisville. You have to be thin because I’m tired of fat chicks, and must know how to two step. you can also reach me dustin dot hoffman at chase dot com thanks

Wow.  Hell really hath no fury like a woman scorned!  I want to know what he did to make her this vindictive.

HSV2? (Richardson)
Looking to meet somoene in the same situation!

It took me a second to figure out what was going on in this post.  Do not Google HSV2 unless you disable the image feature first—you WILL regret it! So, on one hand, you have to appreciate their candor.  On the other hand, seeking casual sex with strangers on Craigslist is probably not the best solution to their STD.

Sexatary Advailable (Dallas)
Are you an older gentleman un happy with lack of passion and fullfilment at home? I am available to help you out.I am seeking a man with the ability to offer full time employment. I am seeking an employer with benefits so that we are both mutally satisfied.If you are interested please respond with what type of position and expectations from this type of relationship. Serious responses only please.

So… she wants a 9-5 job and likes to be occasionally spanked with a stapler.  This has prostitution written all over it.

Fixing Craigslist – Hillbilly Edition – February 2011

It’s been a little while since the last time I blogged—unemployment is a bitch—so I thought I would throw something together from the tragic shambles of our favorite hall of shame.

As I was compiling this edition, I couldn’t help but notice how hillbilly redneck the posts were.  Accordingly, I now present: Fixing Craigslist – Hillbilly Edition.

Looking For Jess – m4m
This is uncle Lee I lost your contact information please text me. I would really like to hook up with u again.

This is either incest in the making or very poorly worded.

hay scott – m4m – 23 (conroe)
This is a long shot but here goes seen u have a ring so u must be marred but I get a vibe from u wen we talk I’m working on your office today we talked about a side job erlyer and u got my copanys # off my short if u r interested in hangen out with me come by and give me your # or email me on here and ill give u mine I know how to be quiet about things no one would know but us

Thank you for reaffirming every stereotype anyone has ever had about Conroe, Texas—my spell check just committed suicide.  I have no idea if they have Beyonce out in the sticks, so I won’t make a “Single Ladies” reference regarding the ring.

Overalls – 1851 Club – m4m (Arlington, TX)
I have to get this out somehow, so this is probably the best manner to do it. I want to spend more time with you despite our limiting situations. I do really meant what I said; I want to see you in nothing but a pair of overalls. Damn you make me hot, and you know who I am.

I am pretty sure that “despite our limiting situations” is code for “despite us both being in relationships.”  And what the hell is with the overalls fetish?  Nothing says romantic like a candle-lit dinner with a banjo in the background.

TUM EXTRA STRENGTH – 42 (WALMART)
I TOLD YOU THE TUMS WOULD BE BETTER THAN THE CHEAP SHIT! YOU STILL TAKING THE VITIMANS?

I’m sure she would still be taking the prenatal vitamins; however, she regrettably misspelled her name on the WIC application.  As such, she could no longer afford to carry your spawn and she was forced to have a wire hanger abortion.

I’ve said it time and time again: Proper spelling and appropriate grammar will get you far in life.  Poor spelling and grammar will only get you in bed with your one-armed cousin or Charlie Sheen.

Fixing Craigslist – December 2010

‘Tis the season to ho, ho, ho…

looking for ty – m4m – 47 (ceadar springs woodys)
you had on a blk jacket and sat at the bar around 5 maybe 6 on saturday. You were young and had brown hair with red or grey tshirt on. I’m 5’2/220/drk complected and had on grn striped hoodie. i thought u might be into me and i wanted to buy you a drink and ask u to dinner but u were with friends and left before we could talk. email me your pic so i know its you.

This. can’t. be. happening.  For the love of all things 80-Proof, why is a bizarrely disproportionate and color-blind guy looking for me?!  For the record: No, I was not into you! And for vodka’s sake, learn to spell.

The guy who lives below me . . . – m4m
You and your girlfriend live in the apartment below me. I came home about 20 minutes ago and could easily see you bent over the couch getting banged by a dude in your living room. Next time be sure to close your vertical blinds all the way when getting nailed with the lights on, or at least angle them away from the parking lot, or maybe take it into the bedroom. FYI: I hooked up with the same dude a year ago, and though he’s got a pretty big tool, he did give me crabs. Yes, I’m sure it is the same dude. His tattoos are unmistakable. Anyway, I suggest a full bottle of Rid-X before the girlfriend gets back in town.

Crabs are God’s way of telling you that you’re doing too much.  It builds character. Inspires change.  Those crabs are going to be one of the best things to ever happen to him, I just know it.

7-11 U helped me w/ the pump – m4m (360 Trinity)
thanks for ur help with the pump… we had same color vehicle & talked about sitting around naked.. hit me up discreet here

Apparently, discreet is the new obvious.  Seriously, if you talked to a complete stranger at a gas station about sitting around naked, you are not discreet.  And why did you need help with the gas pump?  Was it really that much of a challenge?

Need to get pregnant fast by clean educated man – w4m
Looking for a light skinned man to get me pregnant this coming weekend or early next week. You will need light brown blonde or red hair. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for months now and my doctor says I’m fine so it must be him–it would kill him not to have kids. Be drug and disease free. I figure we can try a couple of times while I’m visiting this week and hopefully I will be pregnant for my flight back home. Send a couple of pictures of yourself, especially want nude pics–can’t do this if I’m not attracted to you. And tell me a bit about yourself.

So…  He’ll be crushed if you don’t get pregnant.  I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that if he finds out you got knocked up by an out-of-town one-night stand you met on Craigslist, he’s not going to be any happier.  Have you considered a turkey baster?

holaaaa! – m4m – 23 (Plano)
M,
That’s what you say to me all the time. We play video games together and we do other things together too. I’m not sure what we are, but it’s been bugging me for a while. I’ve started to have more feelings for you, more than I would have for any of my other normal friends, and because of that I’ve tried to pull away and not see you as much, but it doesn’t help. Everytime I hear my phone get a text, I get nervous just hoping that it’s from you just to say “good morning” or “holaaaa”. I really like you, but I’m too scared to say it to your face, so I try to play it cool and act like you’re nothing to me when in fact, it’s very much the opposite. If I could, I would be with you every night, not just for the sex, but to just be close to you, smell your scent and touch your skin and feel your presence next to mine. I know you could have any guy you want, and I have a few choices myself too, but I don’t want anyone else, I want you all for myself. Today, I am thankful that I know you and that you’re even in my life.
-J

It’s kinda sweet.  Like a Craigslist fairy-tale or something.  Perhaps love actually is all around us… And scene.