Christmas Newsletter 2014

Greetings friends and family!

I was just about to pass out from strangling myself with Christmas tree lights when I realized that it’s that time of year again! Buckle up, cause it’s your annual Christmas newsletter!

Baby Jessica fell down the well (again). I don’t have kids, so that really takes away from things to brag about. Sure, I could make up two charming (likely illegitimate) children, but then I’d have to name them. Agnes and Harcort? Amorette and Ripley-Thiago? I may not be cut out for this.

And while it would be lovely to report that my fictitious children are mastering calculus despite the trials and tribulations of Kindergarten, most people would catch on to that when they realized the stock photos I sent out came right out of one of those “your ten cents a day could buy this child a unicorn,” catalogs pamphlets.

So… what’s new this year?

For those of you who may not know, my parents (Terry and Gena) remarried earlier this week. The great thing about getting remarried for a second time is that you don’t need a blood test. Because there’s nothing more awkward than the court clerk looking at you—the product of that marriage—and then telling them they’ll need a blood test to ensure that their potential offspring won’t be the product of… can I say ‘incest’ in a Christmas newsletter? Anyway, the concern for potential children is diminished when you marry someone for the second time. On a serious note (I try to toss one of those in every few paragraphs), please drop my parents a line to congratulate them.

Speaking of marriage, Dylan and I will be getting married in March. We will send out official announcements closer to the date, but honestly: if you can’t brag in a Christmas newsletter, when can you?

Since I have garnered quite an audience on my newsletters, I thought I’d use this opportunity to share some helpful holiday hints to make your season more enjoyable:

  • If a group of people show up outside your door dressed in Christmas attire, it might not be a home invasion. Christmas carolers often show up uninvited unannounced to spread holiday cheer. It’s polite to pause for 30 seconds before dead-bolting the door shut.
  • Always choose a star or ribbon for your Christmas tree topper. Because, really: if you were an angel, would you want a tree up your backside for a month?
  • Christmas music is the perfect way to set the mood for a bar mitzvah most holiday occasions; however, Mariah Carey’s, “All I Want for Christmas is You,” should be played no more than once per decade day—as a courtesy to those who may already be predisposed to suffocating themselves with a Christmas stocking.
  • If you enjoy knitting homemade gifts, a hand-knitted bikini sends a much stronger message than a hand-knitted scarf.
  • If you prefer to add a splash of something 80-proof to your eggnog, remember this rule of thumb: if you look like Keith Whitley after your first cup, you’ve added too much.
  • Christmas decorations should—and must—be taken down by the first week of the New Year. If the Home Owners’ Association shows up on your porch chanting obscenities in unison, you have waited too long.

My fiancé is giving me crazy eyes (I may have left him setting up the tree by himself while pretending to be productive) so I should probably wrap this up like a four-year-old trying to wrap a present with super glue.

Happy holidays to you and yours. (That’s not my politically correct way of getting out of saying ‘Merry Christmas,’ I just don’t plan to send out a newsletter for New Years).


Ty & Dylan (If he’s going to own 50% of what I do, he’d like to take credit for the conservative part(s) of the letter!)

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