Friends and family,
It is my pleasure to share that Dylan Malone and I will be getting married on February 28th.
By now, you’re thinking, “Couldn’t he just have sent a postcard?” The truth is: no. I’m too long winded. Also, my 1936 book of etiquette is very vague on how to announce a planned eloping. (And the chapter entitled “Tips for a Gay Wedding,” is decidedly not what I thought it was going to be about at all.)
Initially, we planned to get married March 14th. I had carefully planned an announcement that started with something to the affect of, “While many of you will be leaf-peeping over the weekend, Dylan and I will be getting hitched…”
Of course, since we moved the date to the end of February, many of you will be sitting next to your fireplaces instead. See, that two week shift really completely changed the tone.
Each rewrite of the announcement reflected a growing anxiety of, “Oh, my God, every one I know is going to be there. Dear God, they’re going to need to eat! We’ll need crowd control. And alcohol…”
Inevitably, I would open a bottle of Cabernet and imagine how my perfect day would be crowned with porta potties lining the aisles of the stadium we’d have to rent for the thousands of family members that would attend. When the reverend asked if anyone knew of any reason why we shouldn’t be wed, the fire marshall would burst in the door and declare we were over the occupancy limit. The family would adjourn to the dining area, where I’d be too panic stricken to eat from the $60-a-plate meals that everyone I had ever met was going to be eating. The night would end with me getting a bill that made Elizabeth Taylor’s wedding look cheap by comparison. Christmas time would come, and my newsletter would begin with, “The doctors say I should be able to leave the sanitarium by Spring…”
So we decided to elope.
Since we are eloping, it’s going to be a courthouse type thing. Our parents will be there and everyone is welcome to attend, but we are departing for our honeymoon shortly after and—really—the court clerk already firmly declined my request for a group singalong of, “I Say A Little Prayer for You,” so truly: you won’t be missing anything.
We do have a wedding registry, although the only thing either of us can’t live without is
oxygen each other. 🙂
Ty & Dylan