Drunk News – April 2014

If you’ve ever watched Good Morning America in the bar, you can probably agree that the person sitting next to you—especially if it was me—has a better storytelling angle for the headline than the news anchor.

To that end, I thought it might be fun to take some real news stories and re-pitch them 80-Proof style.

Search for Jet’s Black Box Hampered by Whales

In a bizarre twist in the world’s most publicized game of hide-and-seek, the search for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370—which may or may not have ever even left the airport—is being stalled by Shamu and friends.

The equipment used to locate the black box is unable to distinguish between the world’s largest mammal and a titanium shoebox.

Last week, the same international, multi-agency taskforce conceded that the plane had likely crashed, which was validation for every other person on earth who reached that conclusion around two days after the plane went missing.

Clerk Mistakes Suicide Victim for Prank, Throws Body Away

On April 1, a clerk thought a dead body was a mannequin (is anyone else playing Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now,” in their head?).

Apparently, the clerk thought the “mannequin,” was part of a prank and just left it in the parking lot. When it was still there a couple of hours later, he got two other equally stupid people that happened to be delivering newspapers in the area to help him throw the body away.

Now my question is this: who still has their news paper delivered? did no one think, “Why is it taking three of us to lift up this bloody mannequin?”

The police investigation determined the lady jumped to her death from the 16th floor balcony overlooking the parking lot. These people must shop exclusively at Wal-Mart to see a body that’s been through that and think, “Yeah, this is the same model they use in the athletic gear section.”

Snooki Expecting Baby No. 2

I can’t. The former Jersey Shore harlot that looks like a cross between a crack clown and a broken pinball machine is pregnant once again. She hasn’t even figured out to do with the first baby.

“Jionni and I were trying to have our second baby since November, so every month we kept taking tests,” she told some publication that pretended to give a damn. It’s really sad when the only test you can pass is a pregnancy test.

For Drunk by 4 News, I’m Dan Rather Ty.

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