(AP) NORTH POLE – Officials confirmed this morning that Santa Claus, also known as jolly Saint Nick, was found dead early today in the home of little Timmy and Lizzy Morris of Boulder, Colorado.
At approximately 3:13 a.m. local time, Santa descended into the chimney of the Morris residence with the aid of a strand of Christmas lights attached to long-time reindeer cohort Vixen. Initial reports indicate that Vixen was also killed in the grizzly fire, which left three reindeer in critical condition before the fire department was able to contain the scene.
A spokesperson for the North Pole confirmed the sad news this morning amidst a crowd of grieving elves. “The world mourns today at the death of Santa. Vouchers for children on the Nice List who Santa was unable to reach are being mailed out as quickly as possible.”
Although the official cause of the fire is still under investigation, preliminary speculation points to an overstuffed toy bag. Lizzy Morris, who found Santa’s charred remains, commented on her wish list: “I really wanted everything from American Girl and the new Katy Perry CD, and a new guitar, a pair of Manolo Blahniks, a new balancing beam for gymnastics… I’ll post a complete list on my blog later in case anyone wants to contribute. I really hope this incident doesn’t affect my standing on the Nice List,” the future sociopath added.
Frosty the Snowman, a long-time friend of Santa, could not immediately be reached for comment on whether or not he’d be back again some day.