Fixing Craigslist – October 2011

So it’s been brought to my attention by a few loyal—albeit not so subtle—fans that it’s been a while since the last time I posted a blog…

Don’t get me wrong, Arkansas is a very stimulating state.  And I mean that in the nicest possible way.  But there wasn’t anything I could write about there without ostracizing myself from the entire community of 5,000 closely related people.

I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz—a broken record of telling people, “all I want to do is go home.”

Now I’m back.  From outer space.  I just walked in to find you here with that sad- wait, I think I may be hijacking lyrics from a Gloria Gaynor song.  Jesus H, please help my muse guide me to original content.

I can see I’m losing your attention.  Let’s see if I can fix that…

You left your cell phone at my gangbang – m4w – 48 (Dallas)
Charlene, You were awesome, and the guys loved you. I have your cell phone. Respond through here or call me. You have my number.

It’s the old “accidentally” leave your cell phone at the gangbang ploy.  That’s so two-thousand-and-late.  Charlene, you’re coming on too strong.  But I think he, along with three or more other guys in a short period of time, might be in to you.  Work it out, girl!  And then get tested.  Slut.

Hello Kitty – w4w – 43 (Dallas)
I realize my chances of finding you here are slim but maybe, just maybe, you’re the kind of girl who frequents these pages for kicks.

My body stood frozen like the soft, cold yogurt you so eagerly piled into the two monstrous containers at Yogurtland on Sunday. It’s the sparkle I saw in your eyes as you scooped up Cap’n Crunch that rendered me speechless, though. I wanted so desperately say something, anything to you as you asked for three spoons before leaving.

I’ve never seen such a beautiful vision in my life. If only I could be that sweet cream you licked with such pleasure.

It could have been the rain that morning but I felt a trickle of moisture run down my cheek as I watched you walk away and climb into that big, butch Hummer.

If there is a heaven then you saw me, and noticed. I’m the dark girl with long legs and a big heart. If you give me a chance, I know I can make you as happy as Tart.

Let me know it’s you by telling me the flavors you got-

My sun won’t shine until you reply.

My. sun. won’t. shine. It really writes its own joke.  Ugh, now I’m craving Cap’n Crunch.

Wanted: One none cheating whore of a girlfriend – m4w (Denton)
You…you, may or may not exist but hey there’s hope. Cause not every women is willing to run behind your back with someone else despite living with you and having a multi-year relationship…right?

I think this ad is part fantasy, part projection.  And you’re looking for this monogamous relationship on a site where people routinely go for extramarital soul-searching with anonymous concubines?

Your my sister in law – m4w
We get along really well and I’ve always wanted to go alittle further with you. I don’t know howd you react if I came up to you so here I am, maybe by some chance you read this and I get an email back 😉

I worked so hard to get away from Arkansas.  So hard.  And now you want to turn a perfectly dysfunctional family reunion into a Jerry Springer-style whodunit, complete with matching divorce decrees and paternity tests?

I know, I know.  You’re thinking, “That’s all we get?!”

This is what the half-life of an Adderall and a Venti Mocha Frappacino gets you.  Sorry you had to find out this way.

On the bright side, I have a new iPhone app that will help me skim through Craigslist much faster than the research invested into blogs past, so if I don’t drink myself to death with cooking wine, you can expect to see a reinstatement of my monthly rants.

Until then… don’t close your eyes, don’t hold your breath, and don’t make yourself a target on Craigslist.

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