I’ve heard of relationships gone bad… maybe you’ve met some of my friends. My friend Kendall sent me the “contract” below (the handwritten original can be found at GayDFW).
Obviously, I’m horrified. What series of events in an abusive relationship lead to two people sitting down and saying, “Honey, we have to have a contract”?
I’ll let you read it for yourself. Note: The website that posted the hand-written contract blurred out the names, so I made up the names below.
1. If either of us uses Grindr/hook-up methods, it is only with the explanation to the other that we are in a relationship and only looking for mutual friends to both hang out with.
Gunna have to go ahead and interrupt. Puh-lease. No one in the history of hook-ups has ever gone on to Grindr to meet new people. That’s what bars and parks are for.
2. No one in [Dallas] can know E*** lives in J****’s apartment and/or that we are working on our problems.
Does E*** have to stay in the attic too? WTF??
3. J**** and E*** must equally contribute to household chores. We will make a schedule to ensure this happens and we no longer live in a pigsty.
4. Dog walking will be done by E*** in the morning and J**** at night. If more than twice per day, each will walk one dog that time.
5. J**** is allowed one hour maximum per day on the computer at home.
What about during mutual porn-watching time?
6. Don’t use Mark as an “ear” for our problems because we both agree he is two-faced.
LOL! This is so honest. Yes, leave that two-timing ass out of it!
7. E*** and J**** are each allowed two nights per week to themselves with these stipulations:
a. The two nights are not consecutive
b. If going out alone, it cannot be to a night club or gay bar
I would have ended the relationship over that stipulation. No one is taking away my happy hour at Woody’s. And I’d need plenty of drinking alone time to cope with this mess.
8. Take about 30 minutes per day to discuss with each other how the other is feeling and/or their day’s events or important news.
I can do that in one drink. And based on this schedule, it doesn’t sound like there will be much to talk about.
9. You (each person) must clean up after themselves, i.e. take dishes to kitchen and rinse, clean up after cooking, throw trash made away.
10. We must have sex at least three to four times per week. If one person does not want to on that occasion, they must give a legitimate [sic] reason why. Valid reasons:
a. Had a crappy day
b. Too drugged or drunk
c. Upset (specifically only grief related)
“Too drugged or drunk” will be used as often as necessary. Plus, if I’m doing my math right, each of you could use each excuse once and that would only leave one day left. Or can each excuse only be used once collectively? I mean what if I am too drunk but you’ve already been too drunk once this week?
11. When parting company to go to work, run an errand, or in general leave the property we live on, we must tell each other bye and let the person know they are loved, even if we are mad or upset.
12. We both must compliment the other once per day minimum.
And suppose there is nothing to say?
13. If upset at another, you must give space and time, if needed, but the person cannot leave the property.
I’m going to the bar and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. Try. it.
14. We must work out three times per week minimum together.
Does the sex count?
15. Unless it is your selected night out, we must go to bed together.
Well since J**** won’t be on the computer, and since E*** will be exhausted from trying to come up with the compliment he’s going to make up the next day, that shouldn’t be an issue.
16. We must have one “date night” per week, even if it is a free activity.
Does building an underground railroad to escape from this slavery-like institute of a relationship qualify as a date night?
17. Dogs need to be on a regular feeding and walking schedule and we will walk them both together for about 20-30 minutes every day.
18. No cheating.
No, I don’t plan to cheat. I plan to escape.
Signed and agreed to on the 29th day of July, 2010.
Yeah, signed by two desperate and naive (likely now single) mental patients.