It’s no secret: I’m more easily distracted than Amy Winehouse’s Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor. So it may come as no surprise that when I sat down to write the best book ever written, I didn’t get very far. Well, with the book that is. The bottle of vodka I opened around the same time is a completely different story.
So, I’ve got some chapter titles selected, and I’ve decided to write the entire book at the bar. It just seems like Drunken Confessions of a Sarcastic Socialite should be written with a cocktail in hand. Here’s some chapter summaries:
- What Had Happened Was… – A preface advising readers to have a drink before beginning each chapter, and that names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.
- Love at First Drink – An explanation of the phenomenon that lands so many of us in meaningful, short-term relationships that don’t work out and get us right back to the bar to rinse and repeat. It really is the holy trinity of what the fuck.
- Helen Keller: The Untold Story – Accounts of Helen Keller that history somehow overlooked. Did you know she once worked at Subway? Apparently she got fired for being “too touchy/feely” and ended up taking a job as a delivery driver for Pizza Hut.
- If At First You Don’t Succeed, Drink, Drink Again – The trials and tribulations of staying in a constant state of 40-Proof euphoria.
- Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter has Drugs – Dedicated to one of my dear friends whose Tic-Tac container (“mobile pharmacy”) is filled with enough pharmaceutical bliss to make “Intent to Distribute” look like child’s play.
- Skipping Work to Get Drunk with Dustin Pot Pie – Seriously, if you have never done it, add it to your bucket list of things to do before you die.
- Maintaining a Commitment to Excellence – Helping readers understand what it takes to take your liver out of first gear. My cocktail is bigger than yours.
- Stripper Glitter and Pepper Spray – Don’t leave home without them. Also included are other creative uses for those items.
You may be asking yourself, “in the name of all things tragic, what is this all about?” Did I just wake up one afternoon next to an empty bottle and decide that I wanted to write a New York Times Best-Seller? Hardly. I haven’t been that spontaneously motivated to take action since the last time the bartender announced “last call!” and I realized I somehow didn’t have a drink.
What this is about—what I’m really after—is a vodka sponsor. Why pay money to get drunk when you can get paid to drink? Chelsea Handler got free Gray Goose for years, and all she had to do was air out her dirty laundry about her spin-cycle sex life. I. want. sponsorship.
And why shouldn’t I drink for free? I provide inspiration and cynical commentary to hundreds of drunks. Scores of you people envy my tolerance for alcohol (“commitment to excellence”), and I want a brand name to stand behind me and say, “Drink our product and you, too, can be surrounded with sordid inspiration.” There are times when destiny calls forth a people and demands an action. These are those times, I am that person, and when I order my drink I don’t want to pay for it.
More to come.