Remember when music legends use to just die in plane crashes or get shot by their managers? (Calm down. Shock value, people. If you’re on my Facebook and reading this, you know to expect it).
What’s with Ke$ha? It’s like someone took the worst qualities of Avril Lavigne, Whitney Houston, and Lindsay Lohan and gave her a record deal. Two words: involuntary rehab.
Which reminds me: Whitney Houston was seen this month at the Beverly Wilshire with Bobby Brown. Wow, she’s gone back to him more than some of my friends—or I—have gone back to their exes. I won’t hate her for screaming, “where’s my f*cking drink?!”—we have all been there—but then she started snorting cocaine right there at the bar. An onlooker recounts,
“I saw her pull a plastic bag out, put a folded bill to her nose and discreetly snort a line from it of what to me certainly looked like cocaine.”
So, I guess that’s what she meant by “Million Dollar Bill”? At least she was discreet.
Speaking of habitual hott messes, what’s up with Paula Abdul lately? I miss how she use to wake up in the middle of a performance on American Idol and say something generic and sweet about someone who forgot the words to the song, sang like a cat caught in a lawn mower—but they looked great and gave it their all! I’ll admit, there were times when I would have given anything for five minutes in her medicine and liquor cabinets.
Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga tickets both sold out faster than two guys hooking up in the bathroom at 2 a.m. I mean seriously, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen something on CraigsList priced higher than the boys who are, “looking for a meaningful one-time relationship with a rich, caring, discreet, non-law enforcement daddy”.
In light of all of these things, I have decided to save the music industry myself:
- Ke$ha and Rihanna will be forced to duel to the death.
- Whitney Houston shall snort an entire box of dishwasher detergent to break her urge to snort everything in sight. In addition, Bobby Brown will be deported to some third-world country (one that doesn’t list cocaine as their main export) and barred from ever returning.
- Lindsay Lohan will never be allowed to act or sing again.
- No one over the age of 17 shall be admitted to a Miley Cyrus or Jonas Brothers concert.
- Taylor Swift will be limited to receiving only one award per music award show.
- Going forward, music artists will be barred from having firearms. Osama Bin Laden and James Bond use an AK-47. That makes sense. T.I. knows good and damn well that he’ll never need to single-handedly thwart domestic terrorism.
- Glee will begin airing new episodes no less than twice a week.
- The release date of Christina Aguilera’s new album Bionic will be moved up to tomorrow, and she will overnight me an autographed copy.
- Since Lady Gaga’s favorite designer died, I will take over as her costume designer. This is the only way the average person can see her concert. My first master piece will feature paper-mâché over her FCC-regulated areas. That’s it.
- The top 10 finalists of this season’s American Idol will be discarded immediately.
I would like to thank the music industry in advance for their immediate cooperation.