Is it just me, or do you know you are about to be enlightened and captivated when someone starts a story off with, “What had happened was…” or, “last night at the bar,”—or my personal favorite, “Once upon a cocktail…”
If it can’t be said in 160 characters, it means that you’ve got too much on your mind. Either be more concise, or start a blog. Don’t drunk dial me at 3 a.m. to discuss it.
Sometimes, you may be blessed with a gracious invitation from me to join me for a drink (or five). That text may look something like, “Woody’s in 10?” or “I need a drink,” … it might also look like, “come uqick .bringg vcodka. kthx”.
Does anyone else feel violated when they hear “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga? Clearly I need to get a better lock on my drunk journal.
There is almost nothing more painful or disappointing than a TV show you love and adore being canceled. Except for seeing a TV show you can’t stand continue to capture some abominable demographic that keeps getting it renewed for a new season:
- The Bachelor: It’s the equivalent of handcuffing one of the Jonas brothers in the middle of a high school locker room and telling 30 insecure-but-competitive girls that the first one to strip him down gets to be rich, famous, and his forever.
- America’s Got Talent: No, they don’t.
- Jersey Shore and The Hills: Some of them might make productive members of society if their brains were wiped completely clean (overdose, maybe?); however, a few of these people are utterly hopeless and need to be shackled to an asteroid far, far away.
Now, to balance out the negativity, I thought it might help to share a few of my favorite things.
• Raindrops on roses
• Drunk texts to and from strangers
• Pot/kettle statements
• Bottomless mimosas
• Dustin Pot Pie
• Showtunes Tuesday
• Watching other people make poor decisions
• Getting younger by the cocktail
• Bad Romance
• Doing a shot of Jaegar without sneezing at the same time
• Gray Goose
• Listening to Jeffrey make disturbing and suggestive statements like, “I need someone to plow me and harvest my horse,” only to find out it’s actually about a farm that doesn’t even exist
• The midnight train going anywhere
• Happy Harold Fridays (with Harold, Peter, and Jeffrey)